What if I totally regret this?
/ why i started this damn blog /
Goat Mermaid is a “brand” I’ve been thinking about for a long time. It was a joke name I would use to refer to myself as a glam Capricorn, but as the years went on, I felt like this name encapsulated my ponderings on life, spirituality, love, sex, identity, business, truth, failure, beliefs, and on and on it goes.
After becoming homeless, I knew I wanted to write about what I was observing in life and in nature and in society and within myself.
When I finally moved into a home of my own again after the grueling climb out of homelessness (with the help of the Universe and some very dear friends), I thought, “Okay, you are a writer now. So write stuff.”
/ how i am feeling right f***ing now /
I sat down and created this blog today. Literally the date of this post is the date I launched this site. And immediately felt the urge to stop, give up, censor myself, crawl into a hole, and spare myself the pain of it. (what pain, you ask? I have no effing idea)
So here I am. Posting my first post. AND I FEEL SO SCARED ABOUT IT.
1. What if I sound stupid?
I am writing about things in a different way than I ever have in the past. I used to be a ghostwriter and content creator for the professional services & financial industry.
In that former life, I was quite skilled at writing highly accurate, comprehensive papers, posts, brochures, speeches, presentations, etc. that would wow people with intellectual thoughts and highly persuasive arguments that yielded big financial gains for the companies I wrote for.
That was SO DIFFERENT than how this feels.
/ about the woman i was before now /
Back then, I cared about being right and delivering on levels of “perfection” that few others were able to compete with. I was all about winning and I was always winning and failure wasn’t even a consideration when I wrote because I wasn’t writing about my truths or anything. I was writing whatever I needed to write to get people to buy the idea, product, or event I was selling.
/ how i am showing up today /
Now I’m writing about the truths I see without any goal of “conversion.” I’m just sharing my heart with the internet. And I feel sheepish and silly a bit. And I remember the woman I once was, she would have come across something like this and been highly critical of it. Of me. She would scrutinize, tease, mock, and devalue my writing if it didn’t impress her ego.
I’m not that woman anymore. And it makes me feel very exposed and a touch stupid when compared to her.
And still, she didn’t know SO MANY THINGS that I see so clearly now. And maybe if I’m brave, I can share the truth I observe and the past versions of myself can finally rest in peace.
2. I feel kinda unoriginal.
I mean, everyone has a blog.
Part of me goes, “Hasn’t everything that is worth saying already been said?”
Another part of me goes, “Who cares? Say it your way and someone like you will feel it differently when they hear it.”
/ irrational fear of hurting others accidentally /
I also get into this mental trap where my ego convinces me that everything I know is property of someone else’s, no joke, in some circular logic where I whittle my wisdom down to oblivion because I have not been able to remember who I was before other people got involved.
Which would mean that by definition, my mere existence is unoriginal and therefore nothing I think, say, or do is original, AND THEREFORE, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT ANYTHING???
/ remembering that i am special takes practice /
Then a small voice goes, “Because we are all art influenced by others and that does not invalidate the masterpiece that I am. It makes me very relatable.”
So I’m writing stuff I discover in the way that I feel it in the moment I share it. If I know that it is directly inspired by something or someone, I will attribute that.
Art is life and art is real (as my daughter would say) and it is my birthright to express it.
3. No one will notice me because what I’m saying doesn’t matter.
I wrote this as a negative in my “five fears” outline for this blog post, but to be honest, as I write the meat for this post, I am kinda thrilled that this is real in a sense.
The internet is an ocean of information. To find a specific grain of sand in the ocean and then judge the grain of sand seems not only silly, but highly improbable.
/ the positives of not having an audience yet /
Because no one will notice me for awhile, I have time to figure out my style, my niche, my voice, my process, my visuals, my links, my site map, and just really everything about this damn blog before anyone even knows it exists.
What I’m saying DOES matter (words matter, big time), and no one will notice me until its time for them to notice me.
I love that this fear turned into a positive live during this writing session.
4. The real people who hate me will see this blog and that scares me.
Yikes. This truly does freak me out. I’ve let a lot of people down in my life.
I’ve always tried my best. Truly. And up until 2020, I was balancing 37 plates in my arms while running 150 miles on a treadmill without “failing” people and breaking the promises I would make to them.
That all changed when the weight of my self lack collapsed my entire lifestyle.
/ i experienced extreme ego death /
Not only did I lose my home, sole custody of my children, my income, and my spotless reputation for being an asset to everyone and everything… I lost friends, family, colleagues, and all credibility with the ones I had been nurturing relationships with for years.
I made too many promises to the wrong people. I stretched myself so thin. And when it came time to reconcile the commitments I had made, I was totally isolated. Alone with no support, no safety net, and no gas left in my tank.
I failed very publicly and very personally. Many of the ones I let down harassed me on my social media, threatened to sue me, made fake accounts to stalk me online, and spoke horridly about me to others I relied on until I felt afraid that any new success I found would be quickly ripped away by the ones who needed to see me fail because of how negatively our time together ended.
/ i don’t blame them or anybody really /
Everyone’s pain and feelings are valid (including mine) even though these individual truths are not universally true to what transpired between us.
While there are still things I want to set right from the past and resources I want to return to those I let down, I can’t let my past mistakes keep me from continuing forward in my life.
/ i am free to be successful despite my past /
I have something to offer (as do all the people that may dislike me, seek issue with me, blame me for their troubles, or want restitution for how I failed them).
At a certain point, I just had to decide that I am allowed to exist and find new success regardless of how disastrous my failings have been.
Someday when I am holding all my resources and influence in hand, I will restore and reconcile the differences that I couldn’t fix today. Until then, I’ll go on shining brightly in the ways I’m gifted.
I’d encourage my past to do the same xoxo.
5. What if my post exposes my ignorance instead of showcasing my wisdom?
Here’s the thing… I am ignorant.
I’ve been known to spout off wise thoughts… but almost never when I am trying to be wise.
In fact, when I am trying to share wisdom, I seem to dial up my charisma and make charming, well-thought out statements that seem to pose as wisdom versus be about it.
I don’t know really. Maybe there’s nothing to be done about that.
/ why i am not “editing” these posts for now /
I know I am not going to overthink these blog posts. Because then my ego gets ahold of my ideas and they move further and further from the raw realization that I wanted to share.
Ignorance isn’t so bad. It gets demonized a lot in society. Gets used as an insult. Ignorance is a term that is often conflated with “stupid.” But that’s not what ignorance is, not really.
Ignorance is a lack of knowledge on a subject. That’s it.
And this blog is about life, a SUPER broad subject that I am quite ignorant on. Just like we all are.
The more self-aware I think I am, the more ignorance I notice within me.
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Maybe my wisdom is just recognizing that I am ignorant so that I don’t forget to learn stuff about things I think I know.
My brain hurts now.
Sooooo anywayyyyy…
This isn’t what I thought my first post would be. But like…. I needed to just effing post something so that I could get OUT OF MY HEAD about it. Like c’mon. Perfectionism is an addiction to control. Control is an illusion. I’m just gonna post this and who knows? Maybe the next post will be better. Maybe not. I don’t care. I just care that I create something new every day of my life and share what I discover with others who might feel less alone by experiencing what I have observed about life and love and the stars and stuff.
Maybe I’ll ask some of my new friends if they want to guest post. I dunno. I just know that I am fucking thrilled to have this first post done and pushed out to sea.
If you are reading this, thanks xoxo
this one was the time I turned fear into a blog post so I could start.
-Brooke Norms, January 19, 2022